The Cop and the Anthem: An Audioplay (Based on the story by O. Henry) By: Shariq Ansari Cast of Characters: Soapy, the Woman, the Policemen, and other voices. Scene I: Soapy's the Man... [The sounds of a New York City park at night are heard: Footsteps on the concrete, men and women speaking to each other as they walk by, and the distant noise of traffic. A woman walks by humming a Christmas tune, indicating that the time of year is close to the start of December. A man is heard breathing onto his hands to keep them warm.] Soapy: What's this? A dead leaf. Looks like ol' Jack Frost is spreading the word. [Sarcastically] Winter. What a wonderful time of year. It seems to me that I'm going to have to find myself some shelter to keep warm. Now let's see...umm...nothing too extravagant...Jamaica?...no...Disney World?...eh.... I've got it! All I have to do is get myself arrested! A jail cell would be perfect for a warm place and free food. Soapy my boy; you're a genius! Now. I have to think of a way to get into jail. C'mon Soapy, think! Getting into jail in the Big Apple should be a piece o'cake. [He exhales, and then with realization in his voice] That's it. Cake! Food! I'll just go into a restaurant and order the most expensive thing on the menu. When they bring the check, I'll tell them I don't have any money. They'd be stupid not to have me arrested. Soapy, you're the man. Who's the man? I am. No doubt about it... Scene Two: Plate Glass Windows [Sounds that come from a restaurant are heard from the outside along with the usual noises that come from traffic.] Soapy: [in an annoyed tone, as sounds of the restaurant fade] A lot of good that did me. Now I've got dishpan hands. [He sighs.] I didn't think they'd make me do the dishes. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to think of something else. Let's see. Maybe some window-shopping will help me think. It's not that I have any money anyway...[Soapy begins to whistle absent-mindedly, but his footsteps suddenly cease. With realization in his voice] I've got it! Let's see...hmm...no one around. This plan would be ideal if there were witnesses, but I'm getting cold! Well, here goes nothing! Uh! [The sounds of glass shattering and an alarm are heard. Footsteps are heard running toward the scene.] Oh, hello officer. Police Officer I: [Gasping for breath] which way did he go? Soapy: [A smile can be heard in his voice] Which way did who go? Police Officer I: The guy who broke this window. Who else? Soapy: [a little angry] you don't think I did it? Police Officer I: [rudely] Of course not. What do you think I am? Stupid? If you broke the window, why the heck would you be standing here? If I had broken that window, I would have run off...[excitedly]...like that guy! [Yelling] Hey you! Get back here! [The cop's footsteps are heard as he runs away] Soapy: [When the cops footsteps are heard no more.] Damn. What kind of idiot cop is that? Jeez. [He sighs.] I guess I'll have to think of another plan. [Soapy begins to whistle again. After a few seconds, he stops suddenly, mid-phrase. Once more, with realization] Hello! What do we have here? A nice looking woman who's out window shopping, and a stern looking cop who's keeping watch on the same corner. [He pauses, and then speaks with a smile in his voice.] I feel inspired. This gives me another idea! I'll just walk up to her and make a pass. I'll eventually bother her so much that she'll have the cop arrest me for harassment! Soapy, you're a bona fide genius. [A pause] Wait. There's one fatal flaw to this plan. What if my amazing charm wins this elegant lady over? Ah, well. That's just a chance I'll have to take. [Soapy's footsteps are heard for a few seconds, and then they stop. What follows is a few seconds of Soapy coughing, clearing his throat, and saying "...ahem...." Then casually] So, uh, do you window shop here often? [The woman replies to this by saying to the effect of "hmph!" The cop on the corner coughs loudly, as if to draw attention to himself. There is the sound of high heels clicking on the pavement, followed by Soapy's footsteps. Soapy tries again, loudly, so that the cop can hear] So...ahem...what's your sign? Woman: Whatever ya want it to be, honey. I woulda told ya sooner, but the cop was watchin'! But, I can tell that yer lookin' for a good time! [She seems to stress the last five words, saying them mischievously] Soapy: [With genuine fear in his voice] Uh-oh...Now wait a minute! You've got it all wrong! This isn't part of my plan! Please! Would ya let go of me! [As Soapy is shouting, his voice fades away...] Scene 3: The Impossible Dream [There is silence, except for the very distant sounds of traffic. The sound of a man running on the sidewalk] Soapy: [Between gasps] I thought I'd never get away from her. Now, where's my handkerchief. Gotta get this lipstick offa me. Ok. [A pause] There. Hmm. I guess I ran so fast that I just ran anywhere, 'cause I've never been this far east in New York before. [A piano begins to play The Impossible Dream in the background] Huh? What's that? [Soapy's feet scuffle around, then stop] Oh. Some girl is playing a piano in that nice little house over there. What a nice tune. Sounds familiar, too. [As Soapy speaks, the music slowly crescendos, adding instruments along the way] Y'know, that house looks real pretty in the moonlight. Kinda like a dream. [Wistful] I had a dream once. I was gonna finish up high school and go to college. [Musing] Heh. Maybe I could go back. Bah. I haven't got the money for college...but...I could get a job...work days, go to night school. [The pace of Soapy's voice quickens as the music approaches the climax; he is filled with ideas...] I could be someone. I could make something of myself! I'll do it! I, Soapy Jones, vow that from this day forth, I shall make my life a meaningful existence! I'm so overjoyed, I could break into song! [Soapy begins to sing along with what has gone from a simple piano to a full-blown orchestra] To dream, the impossible dream! To reach, for the unreachable sta-oop! [The music abruptly stops, as the sound of Soapy's feet scuffling is heard] Police Officer II: [The officer speaks with a heavy Scottish accent] Well now, what do you think you're doin'? Soapy: Uh, nothing officer. Police Officer II: Is that right, now? Then it looks to me like you're disturbin' the peace and loiterin'! Come with me laddie! It's the jailhouse for you! Soapy: No! Officer! I can explain everything! Y'see, there was this girl, and a piano, and the moonlight and... [Soapy's protests fade away, into the sounds of the girl in the house once again playing the piano.] La Fin.